It had been a long three weeks. Christmas had passed. New Years came and went without a bang, and my sister remained in ICU on a ventilator. It was all beginning to wear on me. I was up there most days because I was convinced I needed to “drive the care” to ensure she got what she needed. The advantage of working in the healthcare industry is you know all the ins and outs. The disadvantage is you know way too much to trust.
I became discouraged because I knew something was wrong. Her treatment plan was not right. The physician and I were in disagreement. I knew my sister was ready to come off the ventilator. She was awake but she was tied down, unable to move. Though she could not speak or communicate well, she begged me for help. I made the decision to bring in a physician who specializes in ventilator care, whom I knew and trusted.
I was standing by my sisters bed when I looked up and saw Dr. Julie Nguyen walking towards me. I don’t think I have ever seen a visual picture of what it means to trust God until that moment. As she came into the room , all my fears and worries of the last three weeks vanished and I was at peace in an instant. Psalm 91:14-15 says that God wants us to respond to him in that same way.
"If you’ll hold on to me for dear life.” says God, “I’ll get you out of any trouble, I’ll give you the best of care if you’ll only get to know me and trust me. Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times,…” The Message
Funny, the first thing out of Dr. Nguyen’s mouth was, “Why didn’t you call me sooner? Don’t worry, we will get your sister off the ventilator.“ And that night, she did just that!
The weight was lifted when Dr. Nguyen took over Marion’s care because I trusted her completely. It was not about the outcomes as much as the knowledge that she was trustworthy. Her confidence allowed me to leave all the details of Marion’s care to her. From that day forward, I no longer hovered or questioned every decision. I no longer tried to take control of the circumstance, as if it all depended on me.
Over the years of following Jesus, the one thing I did that completely prepared me for the trials ahead, was the simple day in and day out of getting to know Him. When you get to know Him, you can’t help but trust Him. This would continue to play a crucial role in the journey that had just begun and was far from over.
Yesterday as I was driving to work, I realized I could breathe. The pressures of the last six months have lifted, even though they have not completely resolved. I began to think of how important each day is to us. Sometimes we live for the future, trying to understand what will be and we miss the beauty of each and every day.
My mind went back to a beautiful December day before my world fell apart. My sister had come over to help me decorate for our annual Christmas Eve party. She became fascinated with a clear ornament that opened to place little strips of paper inside. Across the ornament were the words "Make-A-Wish". In fact, she became so fascinated that she decided that we were going to do an activity at our Christmas Eve Party that involved that ornament. Everyone would write down their wish for 2011. It was particularly important to her because a lot of changes were suppose to happen in her future. She was getting married and moving to California.
We had more fun decorating, laughing, shopping and spending time together. It was just like old times. After we were done, the house looked beautiful and in the corner of the living room was a table dedicated to Marion's activity, where everyone would place their wish for the new year. I never in that moment really thought how important that simple, ordinary day would become.
Several weeks later, on December 14, 2010, Marion became very sick and two days later, she was placed on a ventilator to keep her alive. The physician called me at home early Friday morning to let me know that she was not doing well. I rushed up to the hospital to see her fighting for each breath. She was frantic to sign a "Medical Power of Attorney" so that I could make all her decisions. We got that in place and then she was out. She did not wake up for over three weeks.
At one point, when I had to make a hard decision that I was unsure of, I began to pray for wisdom and guidance. Many people were questioning my decision, even the physicians were questioning, but as I prayed asking for help, it was if I heard...
"Follow her WISHES"
Everything became clear, I knew exactly what to do. You see, I knew what her wishes were because we had talked many times about them and that is what a Medical Power of Attorney is supposed to do. I knew that was God's way of providing me with the guidance I needed. He confirmed that He was with me every step of the way. This reminds me of a quote I am fond of;
- Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
You have to trust that God is going to lead you, though you can not see. Isn't that the definition of Faith?
I began to see how important that one day was to what was coming in the future, though at the time I had no understanding of its significance. We never did celebrate Christmas or New Years or Valentines day for that matter. But we had a very special, ordinary day in early December that God used to direct me. I left those decorations up until March hoping we might be able to enjoy them. When I packed up that ornament, I filled it with all my prayers for everyone. God willing, I will hang them up on the tree next year.
This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24
Have you ever thought that you are perfectly created to participate in life? The people around you, your family, your friends and co-workers are all places where the healing power of Christ can be poured out through you.
I am a nurse, case manager, sister, wife, mother, daughter, friend, boss...but more than that, I have been uniquely created and fit perfectly in the groups I am a part of to minister and love people.
Romans 12:1-5 The Message (MSG) Romans 12
1-2 So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.
Several years ago I hurt my back and was in physical pain for months. I was scared to death since I have worked with people with back pain as a case manager. I poured out my heart to the Lord. The response both surprised me and stuck with me to this very day. As I was praying, reading my bible and talking to God about my troubles, pleading with him to remove them, a thought popped in my mind...
"Why should you live in comfort and ease when my world is in pain?"
It silenced me and caused me to think, "your right". There is so much sorrow, pain, and anguish around me in the lives of people. How do I relate to them? I began to pray...
"Abba, break my heart with what breaks yours, then send me to a world in pain...to comfort, to support, to cheer up and to love."
The last six months have been very difficult for me personally and yet through it all, I have learned so much about the God I serve. Today, I am filled with joy, peace and knowledge that God is very near us whether in laughter or sorrow.
Now I want to share some of what I learned as I recall this last six months of trials, testing and temptations in .... JOURNAL OF A BROKEN HEART.
For years now, I have said, "you will lie to yourself quicker than you will lie to anyone!" We are people who do not want to face the truth. Why else does a woman ask her friends or mate, "does this make me look fat?"
After losing my hair, I would always ask, "Can you tell it's a wig?" Why? Because I wanted someone to reassure me that no one could tell, even though in the early days, you could definitely tell!
We have a hard time facing and adjusting to the truth or reality as we find it. That's why I find it fascinating that Jesus spoke in parables to large crowds on purpose. Why would he make the truth or understanding of his words hard to find? When asked why by his disciples, he said,
"The knowledge to the secrets of heaven has been given to you, but it has not been given to them...I teach in parables so the people may look but not see, listen but not hear or understand. " Matthew 13:11-13 The Voice Translation
Jesus was saying, not everyone in the crowd is looking for the truth, some o f them just want to "feel good". No wonder we have a "Mega church phenomena" in America. He goes on to explain that many in the crowd have hearts that have turned to flab, their ears are clogged and their eyes are shut. In other words, they are lying to themselves because they do not want to deal with the truth and change.
We are a people who rationalize our behavior so that we don't have to do the hard work of changing our behavior. I learned an very hard but important lesson, "if I have to rationalize to make my actions or lack of actions okay, then it must be wrong."
The ones who find the TRUTH are those who actively seek it! The truth really does set you free to live an abundant life. Try it, you might like it. Learn to listen and catch yourself rationalizing or trying to convince yourself and others. It is eye opening.
Lately, I am realizing how important families are to God's redemptive plan. In our age of independence and travel, we live in a generation where the extended family is scattered and family ties are often broken.
Two things I learned early on in my walk with Christ were:
- If I served Christ's church with all my heart but lost my family, would I have gained what God wanted?
- If you can't live your faith at home in front of those who know you best, then everything else is fake.
So I set out to do just that, to ensure that my husband, kids, brothers, sisters, cousins, etc., saw an example of a life transformed by a transforming God. Of course, it was hard at first, families can really push your buttons but what better training ground.
Some of my biblical examples for this are Noah, Abraham and Job. Their stories tell of lives where the most important thing was family salvation. A New Testament example is Cornelius in Acts. Each Story demonstrates lives saved through family ties.
Listen to what God told Abraham as he was preparing to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah, where his nephew Lot lived. In the Message Genesis Ch 18: 17-24
"Shall I keep back from Abraham what I'm about to do? ... I've settled on him as the one to train his children and future family to observe God's way of life, live kindly and generously and fairly, so that God can complete in Abraham what he promised him."
Try inserting your name in that verse. It is powerful. I believe that is where change begins...at home.
I remember after I really began to love God with my whole heart. I wanted to serve him and so something big and worthwhile. I asked God, what do you want me to do for you? I had visions of being a "Beth Moore" or serving God full time on the mission field. I will never forget the impression I got as I was praying and asking God for something to do. It was as if God asked me this question,
What if the only ministry I ever give you is to your family, to your husband and your children? Would you accept that ministry?
Wow. The truth was I wanted a ministry that was glamorous. Not sure anyone who is a wife and mother would think that the ministry God offered above is very glamorous. But after a few minutes longer in prayer, what do you say to God except, YES. I then set out to live my faith out loud as an example without a lot of words in front of my family. That was 13 years ago and now I see God's wisdom in his teaching. No greater ministry than the one we offer to our families. It is God's greatest tool to passing down faith.
Something came up at work this last week that made me realize how easy and quickly I could change me mind. There was a program that the company was asking everyone to contribute to, of course it was strictly voluntary. The pressure and tatics to get everyone to participate were intense. I do not support that type of activity at work, so I respectfully declined the offer.
The last day of the campaign I got a call from my boss. He asked if I would consider giving the minimum amount, which was $1. Evidently, it was a very important goal to get 100% participation. Now, hearing my boss's voice on the phone as he gently explained the reasons behind this push, I quickly said I would be happy to.
Why? Because I respect my boss and it was important to him - not just the company. I simply changed my mind to be on the same page as my boss.
It occured to me this morning that if I can change my mind that quick for my boss, whom I respect, then I can do that for my God, Jesus, whom I love.
Titus 1 says: Listen, to those who are pure, all things are pure but to those who are corrupt nothing is pure because their minds and their consciences are polluted. They claim, I know God but their actions are a slap to his face. They are wretched, disobedient and useless to any worthy cause.
Surely God's cause is more worthwhile than my boss's. I think I will change my mind more often!
I have to admit, I am not good at waiting. I really think things should happen faster than they do. Many things I thought God spoke to my heart have been slow in coming. Then I doubt whether he ever said it. That is when I try to step in and take action.
When I read the bible, it seems things happen faster because I can read the stories in one sitting. Take for example, Abraham, who was promised a child with Sarah. Abraham recieved the promise in only 9 chapters. I miss or forget that it took 25 years! Are you willing to wait that long?
Sara wasn't, she intervened at year 12 of the wait. Who can blame her? She told Abraham, "God has not seen fit to let me have a child. Sleep with my maid. Maybe I can get a family from her." (Genesis 16:1 The Message) We all know the mess that created.
This is only one of a thousand examples. So how can I ensure that I don't intervene and create a mess? One way I read recently is out of My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, he writes: "One of our severst lessons comes from the stubborn refusal to see that we must not interfere in other people's lives. It takes a long time to realize the danger of being an amateur providence, that is, interfering with God's order for other people."
This is definately true if you are praying for a child, especially an adult child. I am learning what it means to let go and let God.
This Thanksgiving was one of our best ever. Seeing out children as adults is the greatest blessing. I am reminded to watch and wait as God completes his perfect plan. I can be confident that God is not through with us yet.
I just started reading Utmost for His Highest again by Oswald Chambers. The devotion for today said that we were not made for brilliant moments but for the ordinary moments.
I often forget that what I consider "the drudgery of work and mundane daily living" is what I was created for. It is truly my attitude that makes it drudgery and mundane. Yesterday, actually went better at work because I focused on "ordinary moments and shining a light in them".
I like what Mr. Chambers ended with...
Remember, "HIS Honor" is at stake in your bodily life.
The day was ordinary but it was not drudgery or mundane. I meet ordinary people, doing ordinary work, in ordinary situations and shared the love of Christ by just being me.
I have had the best of intentions in my effort to keep up this site and blog. I have to say, I like a spiral notebook and pen much better. But because I hate to fail... I will try, try again.
My daughter is getting married in 4 weeks. I can't believe that it is already here. I feel so unprepared. My work is very busy right now with a new software program that we are rolling out to 10 of our hospitals in Houston. Since we are the first in the company, the bugs have not been worked out. That is the beauty of being the pilot, right? I am trying to keep everything in perspective.
I have to admit that right now, I feel like I am in a very good place with God. I can't always say that but the pastor put it right this morning... I am praying, "Lord, let it be none of me and ALL of THEE! " I am praying for right thinking and I am quickly taking my wrong thoughts captive and making them bow to CHRIST.
Since I feel so unprepared for the wedding, I started wondering if anyone worries that we are not prepared for the wedding of the lamb? How sad that must be for God that we are so unconcerned about planning for that day. All I can say is that here in America... The bride is Unprepared! I hope we wake up soon and start the preparation before it is too late.
I am looking forward to a week of preparation, not only for my daughters wedding but for the wedding of the lamb. This week I plan to cloth myself with "with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. " Colossians 12:13-14
We all know that it is really ALL about the wedding Dress... : )
I have been glued to the news lately (internet of course since we don't have a TV). I am constantly checking the latest stories and trying to understand how they fit into what the bible is saying. I guess I want to know the future!
The only thing I have succeeded in doing is depressing myself and losing all interest in life.
The bible does have something to say about my situation and desire to know the future. There is only one who knows and can foretell what will happen in the future...Our God. Sometimes he shares and sometimes he doesn't. Isaiah has a lot to say about God's ability to share the future.
I think I will "fast" from news this week and instead just spend time with God who knows the future and my needs. It should be a good week.